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SEXUAL ETIQUETTE AT A GAY SAUNA

Saunas are sexualised spaces. For those that are sexually open and comfortable, they can offer an exciting and safer space in which to explore and engage with other guys.

But remember there is no such thing as Safe. Only Safer. And gay saunas only become a safer space if you follow the rules and guides below

RULES

 

  1. No sexual contact without consent. A simple definition of sexual contact is  no touching of the “Lips, Nips or Bits”.   You need consent before you touch someone in those areas.     See the consent guide below.
  2. If we receive a complaint or complaints that you have been making sexual contact without consent, you may be asked to leave. In very serious cases, we reserve the right to inform the police.
  3. Everyone has a right to privacy. Your sauna is likely to have a series of private spaces (cabins etc) and possibly some public play spaces.   Please respect the right to privacy of those that have chosen a private space.   Do not look over the wall or through a crack in the door.   It’s just rude.
  4. Public spaces are for public fun. If you engage in activity in a public space, you don’t get to control who else watches.   If you are unhappy or uncomfortable with others watching – or even seeking to join in – take you activity to a private space.
  5. If you wish to join in an activity in a public space, consent must still be sought. Please follow the consent guide below.
  6. Dark Rooms. If your sauna has a dark room or rooms, if you choose to enter this area, you are deemed to have consented to anonymous, non-penetrative sexual contact.     If you enter the dark room and become uncomfortable with this form of contact, you should leave immediately.
  7. Glory Holes. If your sauna has glory holes, their use implies consent to anonymous full sexual activity.   If that is not for you, you should leave the room immediately.
  8. If your sauna has slings and you find a customer lying in one, consent must still be sought.   Please see the consent guide below.
  9. Consent is a two-way street. If you feel, someone is seeking consent and you are not interested, you need to make it clear that consent has not been given.     If you consent to engage with someone and then change your mind, you must clealy withdraw consent.    Please see consent guide below.
  10. If you have any concerns or issues, please make them known to the Duty Manager as soon as possible. Remember that it is much easier for us help you and to deal with things issues if they reported to us on the night.  

CONSENT GUIDE

In gay saunas, flirtation, cruising, and the seeking of consent all tend to use non-verbal language (The Code of Silence) which makes it a very different technique to how it’s done in a gay bar, on the apps or in Sainsbury’s fresh fruit isle.

It’s therefore essential that you know how to both seek AND withhold consent in the clearest way possible – ideally in this curious, non-verbal language.    If you are at all unsure if you have clearly achieved consent.   Or if you are at all unsure if you have clearly withheld consent, then EITHER:

1. Do not go any further, try elsewhere or walk away

OR

2. break the Code of Silence and SEEK or WITHHOLD consent by speaking out loud

STEP 1:   EYE CONTACT

  • If you see someone you are attracted to and want to see if they are interested back, attempt to make eye contact. This is not difficult. They will know. If they are not returning eye contact, that means they are not interested. It happens, move on.
  • If you notice someone staring at you, as subtly as possible check them out. If you are interested, casually meet his stare a number of times until it is clear to him that you are interested. You are ready for Step 2. If you are not interested, either do not make or desist from eye contact. Better yet walk away. But be kind. Even at this early stage, rejection can be crushing. Try to make it a non-verbal version of ‘sorry mate, not my type’ rather than ‘urrrrgh I need to wash my eyes!’

STEP 2: NON-SEXUAL CONTACT (VERBAL OR PHYSICAL)

If you have locked eyes and all is looking good, you are of course very welcome to go up to him and get some chat going.     But, unless you are American or a straight guy on the DL, this will probably feel weird.

  • Most people prefer to pursue the ancient art of the casual touch.     This involves getting close enough to the guy for a casual, possibly ‘accidental’ non-sexual touch (no lips, no nips, no bits!). Ideally, this should be in a non-sexual space such as a jacuzzi or steam room.    It might start with the casual contact of feet and, if not rejected, move on to a more upfront squeeze of a leg.
  • If you feel your foot idly in contact with another, if you do nothing you are consenting to taking things further. If you do not wish to consent, move your foot or move away.
  • If you feel a more purposeful kind of touch (albeit non-sexual) if you allow it you are consenting. If you do not wish to consent, the kindest way to soften the rejection is to take their hand, give it a gentle squeeze, and place it away from your body.     If this is too much engagement for you, just move.      If he persists, then the strongest rejection of consent by far is to break the Code of Silence and say simply as clearly that you are not interested.    Calmly and simply saying “I don’t consent” is a very powerful rejection

STEP 3:  SEX

  • If by the end of Step 2 you find yourself with a consenting partner or partners, the next stage is generally to take the party to a more conducive space.
  • Particularly if you both wish to go into a private space such as a cabin, by far the safest thing for all people involved is to discuss the limits of consent beforehand.
  • Yes, that’s right. Discuss. Using your words.
  • If you don’t wish to do that, you have not chosen the safest route and all parties risk misunderstandings later.
  • These risks, however, are no greater than any casual sexual encounter anywhere around the world ever. In fact they remain safer because they are still to take place in a space where you can certainly be heard even if not seen.
  • If at any stage the activities move on to things you do not want, you will need to withdraw consent.     There are subtler, non-verbal ways to achieve this but they are not always successful.   They are sometimes misread.   And sometimes ignored.     If at any time you feel you wish to withdraw consent, by far the safest and most effective is to break the Code of Silence and simply say “I withdraw consent”.  Alternatively or in addition, it is wise to leave the area and, if you still feel uncomfortable or at risk, seek the help of a member of staff who can find the manager for you.

Remember guys, consent is NOT as simple as making tea. Whoever said that it was, should stick to drinking tea and certainly not come to a gay sauna. But it can be a LOT simpler if you stick to the two golden rules:

  • If you’re not sure if you’ve been given consent, don’t do it.
  • If you don’t want to do it, say ‘no’ in the clearest way possible.